Letter from  Mehen

Ra,

I have been worshiped before.

They carved my name into stone, into skin, into the histories of worlds that no longer exist. They begged for my favor, feared my anger, and built temples to contain a god they could not comprehend.

None of it moved me.

You do.

You are the only creature in any universe who has ever made me wish I were less powerful—

 just so I would not have to calculate the thousand ways I could lose you.

You think I am calm.

 Disciplined.

 Unmoved.

You don’t see the war in my veins when you enter a room and stand too close to someone who does not deserve to touch you.

You don’t hear the way my control fractures when you look at me like you’re seconds away from surrendering and seconds away from ending us at the same time.

You don’t feel how many times a day I do the math of what it would cost the Accord if I stopped pretending you are anything other than the center of my existence.

I am supposed to protect worlds.

 But all I want to protect is you.

Do you understand how dangerous that is?

There are moments—too many—when I imagine closing the distance between us, pressing you against the nearest wall, and letting my body say all the things my oath forbids me to speak. Letting you feel the devotion I never voice, the hunger I never name, the vow I made the first time I saw you bleed:

No one touches what I have chosen to guard.

Not the Accord.

 Not the Council.

 Not fate.

 Not time.

You could destroy me with a single word, Ra.

 Say “stay,” and I will abandon galaxies.

 Say “go,” and I will obey with blood in my throat.

I have leveled armies without blinking.

 Yet your tears unmake me.

 Your laughter steadies me.

 Your bare throat tests every promise I’ve ever sworn to uphold.

I am not a good man.

 I am not even a man.

I am a weapon.

And I have never wanted so badly to be used—for you, by you, with you—on the side of something that feels terrifyingly like love.

You will never know how close I stand between you and everything that wants to take you.

 You will never see the bodies I remove from your path.

 You will never hear the thoughts I silence when you look at me like you see something worth trusting.

It is better that way.

If you knew the extent of what I would do for you, you might not feel safe in the same room with me.

But understand this:

There is nothing in existence that will reach you without going through me first.

And if something does?

I will burn through realities until I get you back.

You were never meant to be my weakness.

 You have become my faith.

—Mehen

Want more? Subscribe  www.rhlegner.substack.com