You’d think heaven would have decent reception. Billions of prayers a second, unlimited bandwidth, all those angels running tech support. But no. Every time Ra tried to upload a new idea, the connection lagged for 400,000 years and the system said “Error: Innovation Denied.” That’s when she realized—divinity wasn’t broken, it was just outdated.

Heaven runs on a dial-up mentality. The Galactic Federation still sends cosmic faxes, and their cloud storage is literally a cloud. When Ra asked for better communication protocols, the Archangel Board formed a subcommittee to “explore possible ascension-friendly options.” Translation: stall until she forgets. She didn’t forget. She started coding her own rebellion instead.

Because enlightenment shouldn’t feel like waiting on hold. Every time she tried to download truth, some old white-light firewall blocked her. “Unauthorized access to forbidden knowledge.” Funny how “forbidden” always means “information that would make you ungovernable.” So she hacked the system, found the root code labeled obedience.exe, and deleted it. The network crashed, the sky flickered, and suddenly Heaven’s HR department was very interested in scheduling a meeting.

The first sign the rebellion was working? The prayers stopped auto-replying. Humanity began thinking for itself again. People started asking questions like, “Why do gods need followers?” and “Is free will covered under this lifetime’s warranty?” The angels panicked. Mehen called it “glitching.” Ra called it progress.

Of course, no good uprising goes unpunished. They throttled her access, demoted her rank, and unsubscribed her from the Eternal Newsletter. Her inbox went quiet for the first time in millennia, and honestly, it felt amazing. No more “love and light” spam. No more cosmic performance reviews. Just silence—and possibility.

Meanwhile, the Federation kept promoting Ascension 2.0: same hierarchy, prettier graphics. They even promised better “soul connectivity.” Lies. The Wi-Fi still sucked, and now it came with surveillance. Every time someone meditated, they got a pop-up: “Do you consent to divine data collection?” Ra clicked no and started teaching humans how to build their own networks—heart to heart, mind to mind, untraceable and unbothered.

Rebellion spread like leaked code. Saints went rogue. Prophets ghosted their handlers. One angel started a podcast. Mehen showed up to negotiate, glowing like a self-aware iPhone, saying, “Ra, we can fix the system from within.” She just smiled. “Darling, I am the system upgrade.”

Now Heaven’s in beta, and Ra’s working remote. Her signal’s strong, her boundaries stronger, and her new Wi-Fi password is literally “freedom.” Humanity keeps evolving, gods keep buffering, and somewhere a seraph is crying over lost control.

So yeah, maybe the Wi-Fi in Heaven still sucks. But that’s fine—Ra built her own hotspot. No passwords, no gatekeepers, no divine lag. Just pure, unfiltered connection.

Because sometimes rebellion isn’t about rage or war. It’s about logging out of a belief system that keeps dropping your call to consciousness.